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I don’t think I will ever write a better talk title or description than this one for my opening keynote at Dokutech¹ in 2016 (I’m going through all the past events Laura and I spoke at over the last decade and making sure the links work for the Kitten² version of the site):

Excuse Me, Your Unicorn Keeps Shitting In My Back Yard, Can He Please Not?

The matrix is inverted and my teddy bear is spying on me. Why am I covered in unicorn shit? I was only browsing the web. No, I do not want another cookie. Why are you feeding me cookies? Is that my treadmill? Am I the milk of magnesia to your unicorn’s constipation? How can you hear me when I’m not saying anything? I can’t seem to look away. Hello, White Man on the Cloud! Why can He see me, but I can’t see Him? Who, exactly, is getting smarter about whom? And why is Oettinger’s donut so red?

PS. You can watch the recording of the talk here: https://ar.al/talks/#excuse-me

¹ https://doku.tech
2 https://kitten.small-web.org